Let’s just be honest my friends, this is not an easy time when you’ve lost a child. It’s a time of year when you get together to celebrate family. And lots of things happen that accentuate that loss. You see people that you don’t normally see all year such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles. 

You take time off work so you have more down time and time out of your daily routine to think about that loss. It’s also particularly time for celebration of children with gift giving and sweets!

In my world, it’s even more meaningful and charged with emotion because Elizabeth’s death anniversary is November 18th so it leads off the holiday season with a bang! For me it has been six years now. Our new Holiday traditions are evolving, and everybody’s new holiday journeys will be their own for sure. 

Also, I am not an expert and by no means am I trying to offer clinical advice. Although, in my practice I have had the opportunity to speak with many families who have been through a loss like mine. It’s not an experience you want to share with families, but it is comforting to not be alone in this.

Here are some things to try:

Telling Stories of Remembrance

This is my favorite and best advice. I love, love, love telling stories of “remember when Elizabeth laughed so hard that the sweet potatoes came flying out of her mouth and then the dog ate them off the floor!?” Ha, Ha! Pulling out videos and photo albums can help with the memories.

Some family members and friends may not have known your child that well, or at all, so this will help them enormously in both supporting you and sharing your joys and sorrows. I love the idea that it keeps Elizabeth’s memory alive because I am always afraid of the idea that people are going to forget her and the world is going to move on without her.

A Celebration Meal That Includes Your Child’s Favorite Food Items

In our family, I still serve some of Elizabeth’s favorite things on certain holidays. Christmas breakfast has pancakes, and Easter will definitely have a ham. For many families, food is part of the tradition and food is love! It definitely is for us.

It also includes eating popcorn, pizza, potato chips, and onion dip while watching our favorite holiday movies like Christmas Vacation, and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Hanging Decorations That Your Child Made

Thank you so much to every teacher, aide, and nurse who helped Elizabeth make every Christmas ornament, Mother’s Day Card and Thanksgiving Poem. I pull them out and go through them. Then I hang them throughout the house to have her close to me during the Holidays.

Doing For Others

During this time of sorrow – and it is always a time of sorrow for me – it really helps me to give to others. It’s a fact that getting up out of our own misery to help others can be just what we need to beat the holiday blues. Sign up to serve a holiday meal, deliver presents or warm clothes at your church or temple, or sing holiday songs at a local nursing home. Find some way to give back to your local community.

But Also, Self-Care is Very Important Too

Please be sure to take time for yourself as well. You may need time to be sad and grieve on your own. Be sure to seek counsel if that is in your self-care routine, get lots of sleep, exercise and eat well. The holidays can be stressful under the best of circumstances. Grief can be tricky and sneaks up on you!

Practice the art of saying no, let someone else cook dinner for 20 people! It can be very stressful to do all that work, and as mentioned previously, seeing people that you haven’t seen all year who are naturally going to want to ask you about how you are doing. I used to get anxious for weeks before the holidays about what people were going to say or ask, and then I would be sleepless for days cooking and cleaning to get ready for the day. 

It was a recipe for disaster! I was tired, sad and on edge. And of course, I would end up either being completely sad and withdrawn or blowing up at people. Not good!

This year, since my daughter is old enough to choose for herself and is spending time out of state with her dad, my husband and I have decided to take the new puppy up to the mountains for a Thanksgiving getaway hiking extravaganza. I hope you find your way to both old and new traditions that work for you and your family. Many blessings!